Scars - Ankle & Heart

Last night, while lying in bed reading, Shaling pointed out about a 1/2-inch scar on her ankle and began to tell me about it. She said, "yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, last week when I was in China. I was 8 or 7 or 6 or 5..." Apparently she saw one of her "dads" (I don't know if it was a foster dad or one of the government caregivers that she called dad) shaving and later grabbed his razor. She tried it out on her ankle to see what it did. She says she said, "ow" and someone gave her a napkin and she said "ow" again.

She then went on to tell us that that mom & dad eventually didn't want her anymore. She indicated that the next mom & dad didn't want her anymore either. She described a chain of rejection. Bewildered, I asked her how many moms & dads she had. She carefully thought about it, "well, first my mom doesn't want me when I'm a baby...", then she stared at the ceiling while counting in her head. She said "seven". Then she pointed at us and said, "eight". She kept saying that she had moms & dads that "doesn't want me". Yet, as heartbreaking as that phrase is (and trust me, I'm overwhelmed with sadness for her), she just uttered it as a matter-of-fact part of her life; no tears; no obvious depression.

I told her that we weren't going to go anywhere and that we'd always be here. She told me no, that some day we would die. I told her yes, but that we were always going to want her and that we were going to be her last mom & dad, that we would be Mom & Dad forever. She asked why and I said because we love you. She smiled, but had a quizzical look on her face. Brock told her similar things and I interjected again, telling her that sometimes we were going to be mad at her when she broke rules, but that we were still going to love her.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I got the idea that the conversation was more emotionally charged for me than her. She ended it by telling me that she really wished the owie on her ankle would go away. I explained to her that it was something called a scar and it would always be there to remind her when she got hurt. As for me, I would prefer she didn't have to deal with those owies on her heart.