Helpful Advice About Attaching With Shaling

One of the parenting/adoption training courses that Brock and I took over the internet (http://www.adopteducation.com) was on "Attachment and Bonding". Bonding is defined as the process and attachment as the result by which the child obtains a "feeling of entitlement to family life, love, responsibility and a variety of other emotions".

This is sort of a summary and conglomeration of random ideas that I gleaned from the course. The first few paragraphs describe some of the challenges we may face, while the latter half actually gives some practical pointers.

For us and Shaling, this process will be complicated due to her advanced age and also by the fact that she is being asked to leave everything she knows behind (those who look like her, those who talk like her, and part of her culture). We are unsure of how often she's had to deal with caregiver turnover, or even how many caregivers she's had.

Infants raised by a loving family tend to learn that they will be cared for, loved, and nurtured, therefore developing a bond and sense of trust very early on. Children adopted in infancy or early toddlerhood tend to form their sense of attachment quicker than older children.

Photos, biographical information, and videos promote a sense of attachment for parents adopting older children even before meeting the child. This makes the moment when they meet their child a memorable time. Due to the importance of this meeting, both adopting parents should be present. However, to avoid overwhelming the child, it is recommended that extended family members meet the child later.

Most children who are separated from a caregiver exhibit a predictable pattern of feelings, from protest to despair to detachment. Some develop an attachment disorder. Attachment disorder manifests itself in several ways. Some children display a superficial friendliness, accompanied by cheerfulness and affection, yet deep down no longer care for anyone. Some have little empathy or concern for the rest of the family, not knowing how to trust parents to do what is best for them, they feel they have to take care of themselves. They don't know how to form reciprocal relationships or accept responsibility. They may display attention-seeking behavior.

In order to foster a positive and effective bond with an older child, it is suggested that we share activities with Shaling such as teaching her how to cook or taking her shopping. We should let the her choose the pace at which she will accept displays of affection and not force it on her. It is recommended that we encourage frequent and prolonged periods of eye contact. It is advised that we participate in an adoption support group. We should have pictures including Shaling quickly and hang them up. It is recommended that I dab a bit of my perfume on her so she gets used to my smell. We should start out giving her limited choices.

One plus that we have in our favor is a strong, supportive family on all sides. The extended family can cause challenges to the bonding process if they have any negativity towards the adoption. We feel so blessed that this is NOT an issue for us.

It is also advised NOT to let an older adopted child simply cry themselves to sleep if they awaken during the night. This is considered an opportunity to show the child that her parents will be there as a source of support and security.

In the early months of adoption, extra caregivers (day care, babysitters, etc.) should be minimized, as the parents direct involvement is critical to the attachment process. As her mom, I should be the primary caregiver at first -- forging a strong bond, and then we can let her branch out to others.

Although many international adoptees develop some level of attachment disorder, the vast majority eventually develop good attachment to their families.