Expressing Empathy

During adoption training, we learned a bit about attachment disorders. Attachment disorders vary widely in their scope and intensity, but are more common in older children. Some of the most severe ones may involve violent behaviors and rebellion. Some of the milder ones involve false attaching. During their time at the orphanage, the children learn quickly how to please adults and use that as a great survival technique, but they don't develop deep, meaningful relationships because the staff changes so often.

Though Shaling's transition into our family has not been seamless, it has been relatively smooth. Our speed bumps were brief and any challenges we currently have are not adoption challenges; they are simply parent-child challenges. Therefore, along the way, I had brief periods where I casually pondered whether her helpful and enthusiastic nature was sincere or simply a coping mechanism. I didn't dwell on it, but even the miniscule amount of time I might have considered it has proven to be unnecessary.

Yesterday, while bringing in the mail, she noticed that there was a card addressed to her, but not one for Preston. She even opened the mailbox a second time to be sure she hadn't missed something. At the kitchen counter sorting through it, I told her that it was probably an Easter card and that Preston's would come tomorrow. She asked me if she could go back out to the mailbox and check AGAIN (a third time) and of course I said yes. I was impressed by how she was concerned about him.

Well, when she finally opened the card, it was a baptismal birthday card (with some cash) from her godparents, Uncle Scott & Aunt Barbara. She didn't fully understand, as when she was baptized, her English didn't include the terms "baptism" & "godparents"; she simply knew she was being accepted into God's family. After I explained everything, she immediately asked me if you could write a thank you note. I found that impressive too -- that she has also now mastered the idea of showing appreciation. Not just yesterday, but her verbal thank yous have become frequent and natural.

Despite the fact that she and Preston both enjoy tattling on each other (in a manner typical of most siblings), she also has begun showing a lot of concern for him. Sometimes she'll see that he's left a toy out and instead of tattling, she'll point it out to him before Mom & Dad "notice". She has also conspiratorially shared some nice comments about Preston with me.

She also offered something recently that deeply touched my heart. I collect quarters in a large cup, then once or twice a year take it to the bank to convert to cash. I use that cash as a "slush fund". Last week, I turned in quarters totally about $130. After work & school, I was organizing several things in the kitchen and asked Shaling to take the money to a certain location in the house so that I could put it away later. A few hours later, I went to put the money away and it wasn't where I was expecting. I called Shaling to ask her where she'd put it. She pointed and said, "right there. Maybe Dad..."

She was thinking the same thing I was thinking at this point -- that Brock had decided to be ornery and hide it on me (which later proved to be the case). However, an immediate sense of responsibility swept over her and she said, "Mom, I can pay you back." She hadn't done anything wrong; she had only done me a favor in the first place, but she wanted to make things right. I was quick to tell her no, that this wasn't her fault, but I was genuinely moved by her offer.

I think any time someone adds a child to their family, no matter what age, no matter what manner, there comes a time when it seems they've just always been there. I can't peg exactly when that happened for us and Shaling, but I can say with absolute certainty that it feels that way for me.