Voice of Experience

I recently joined an online group of people who have gone through adopting children from China or are currently somewhere in the process of doing so. I'm finding that getting that informal, personal side of things is very helpful. One woman in particular posted some information I wanted to share with my family and friends. I received her permission to do so. She brought home a 12-year-old daughter from China over the winter.

Remember, the information she is providing is based on her individual experience. It may or may not pertain to our experience with Shaling. It just seemed like information that is beneficial to have tucked away to be used if needed.

She says that the positives about adopting an older child from China are:

. Our daughter feels like we saved her life every day. She obviously has a memory of how bad it was (not only that it was bad being in an orphanage, more how sad she was not to have a family.

. She has had a long time to treasure what the concept of family is in her mind, and she treasures that she now has a committed one. This weekend my daughter told me a sad story. She went to a school near the orphanage. She would longingly watch the daddy's drop off their children for classes. She saw them hug their children and describe how they're looking forward to picking them up that night. One day, when she was 10, the teacher assigned an essay describing the student's fathers. She worked it out so that she did not have to go to school the day they were due. She was there the following day to hear the papers read. She has dreamed and dreamed about how wonderful a father must be.

. She has a strong sense of living and loving together with her siblings (Chinese culture is big about the older siblings helping the younger ones). She fits in right away when our family is with other families, helping and enjoying the younger children (because she helped with them in the orphanage)

. She is a big helper and shares chores with her siblings.

. China wants to do an excellent and professional job (although "professional" for them might be different from our "professional"). This may mean that the information you receive may not be accurate; but at least you received some information. (Let me add that our daughter's information was not a gross misrepresentation. Some of her information even the authorities did not know).

. Because of our adoptions, our other children's worldview is greatly expanded. This was not our intention; but they have such a big heart now that it is a given for them that they will adopt one day.

. Our daughter now has a wonderful future.

. Our daughter is very smart and very quick to learn and understand things. She has learned English in 4 months.

She says the negatives are:

. Navigating around the misconceptions their "teachers/ nannies/social workers" told them in China, such as: "Americans adopt because they are paid by the government to do so", "Americans are so unleashed with their emotions your parents will each have one or more additional lovers", "If you are bad, or if your parents find out you are not the age on your birth certificate they will send you back the orphanage (they are told that the parents have a 6 month return policy, if they don't like you)",

. Navigating around the misconceptions our adopted child developed on her own (regarding the second bullet point above)

. Chinese teaching style is external or strong authoritarianism vs. internal motivation. What this means is it is very difficult for them to make a decision on their own. They have never been allowed to do it. They are taught by rote memorization instead of drawing conclusions. This is difficult when they are older and in school they are required to analyze literature, write essays, etc. They want to know where the model is so that they can copy it. (I homeschool)

. Our daughter never bonded with a family. She had a very bad experience the first part of her life: she somehow was raised as a servant in a farming family. She lived on the kitchen floor, was fed one meal 4 times a week, and was beaten and terrorized. She finally ran away (this is the part of the story the orphanage does not know, because she lived in terror that she would be returned to that family). Then she had a few foster family attempts. We are the first family fully devoted to her. When you read about ANY older child adoption, if they never bonded with a parent, then they need to grow and develop through the natural bonding stages of an infant. So, although her intellectual age is somewhere the age of a teenager, her emotional age, at times, can be that of a baby or a toddler. It is great if you can read about this so that you are prepared. IT is not scary. IT makes total sense. I have read that in this process with an older child, it may take 3 years to get them up to their biological/emotional/ psychological age. I don't think our daughter will take that long; but it's nice to have an idea. IT also helps for siblings to have some appropriate information about this.