Child of Regret and Sorrow

I am currently reading a book called Silent Tears, by Kay Bratt. The book itself is a pseudo-journal of her experience living in a city near Beijing, China from March 2003 through the summer of 2007. She and her young daughter accompanied her husband, as his company sent him there to help open up a new factory.

Eventually, she gets herself accepted to volunteer at a local orphanage, but recognizes that she needs to remain meek and mild or she will not be allowed back. That is difficult for her, as she observes some devastating situations. She ultimately spearheads a large coordinated volunteer effort, raising countless funds to get some of the babies needed surgeries and medical care.

The most beneficial part of the book for me was the Prologue, subtitled “Child of Regret and Sorrow”. I’ve struggled to understand how Shaling’s birth mother could give her up, yet recognize that any mother who would do so, must essentially realize they are not able to provide the life for their children that they desire. I also wonder what I’ll tell Shaling if she ever wants to discuss the subject. This prologue gave me some background information that should prove helpful.

The prologue tells the story of Mei Li, who at age 19 was working as a waitress and taking classes at a university. She inadvertently spilled soup in the lap of a customer out to eat with his friends. She immediately assumed she’d be fired and wondered how her family would get by, because her income was not just for her, but also her parents. She was pleasantly surprised when the customer exhibited compassion and took pity on her.

The next night, the customer (Le Ming) returned and asked her out on a date. After a year-long romance of flying kites, walks by the lake, and sharing their dreams, he proposed. He saved up enough money for them to obtain a modest apartment, as he still had one more year of school left. They hadn’t been married long when she was upset to realize she was pregnant.

They were comforted when his parents promised to help and were quite excited about having a grandson. The grandparents to be were certain the baby was a boy, because their family always had boys. Mei Li was not convinced, so Le Ming comforted her by arranging an illegal sonogram to determine the baby’s gender. If it was a girl, they would get rid of it. The day of the sonogram, the doctor backed out and refused to do it. They decided to go forward with the pregnancy. To save money, Mei Li fed Le Ming full meals of meat, rice, and vegetables, but would allow herself only rice.

The night the baby was born, his parents were at the hospital, excited about the new arrival. After roughly 20 hours of labor, Mei Li was anesthetized and a cesarean section was completed. Unfortunately, Mei Li awoke to an empty hospital room..no in-laws, no husband, not even her baby. She repeatedly called for someone to come, becoming quite alarmed. When a nurse finally arrived, she was less than compassionate. She let Mei Li know that not only had she not had a boy, but her little girl was deformed; she had a twisted leg.

After several days alone in the hospital (not even her husband came to visit), Mei Li was released. Since she had no money on her, she carried the baby and walked the long distance home through pouring rain. She climbed the many stairs it took to get to the floor on which their apartment was located and walked in to find her husband and mother-in-law sitting at a table crying. She was shocked and dismayed, as this was modern-day China; how could they be grieving so much over not having a healthy baby boy!?

Her mother-in-law disgustedly ordered her to leave. She begged Le Ming for that compassion he showed her so much during their courtship, but he replied that she had caused his family bad luck. His father had died the night the girl was born. It is an ancient belief in China that the death of a family member on the same day as a family birth meant the baby caused the death. The little girl’s deformity only added to that belief.

Le Ming offered a compromise, telling Mei Li that if she got rid of the baby, she could stay. Stung with hurt and grief for the life she knew, the young mother left with her baby, determined to mother her, even if it meant life on the streets. She named the baby Yintong, which means “regret and sorrow”. They lived under bridges, in doorways, at train stations, etc. Their only source of income was small amounts of coins from begging.

Mei Li eventually realized that “Yin Yin” was malnourished and that life on the streets was not good for her. She had heard that orphanages for bleak places for kids, but was convinced with 3 meals a day and some warmth, it had to be better than the life Yin Yin had now. With heavy heart, she hugged and kissed her daughter goodbye and left her in a park near an orphanage.

She then decided to return to the apartment she shared with Le Ming, wondering if he’d take her back. She climbed all of the stairs again and knocked on the door. She then quickly changed her mind and started to leave, but he swung the door open and opened his arms wide, a sign of apology and forgiveness. She fell into his arms, feeling sorrow and relief. However, she knew she could never broach the subject of their baby, that it would forever be an unspoken secret.

Since Shaling was found at age 2 ½, I have to wonder if her story may be something similar. Did her mom try to keep her, but eventually realize that she was just too impoverished to provide a life for her?